If you’ve ever been in love for longer than a few months (or even weeks in some cases), you will probably have experienced, at least to some degree, the old adage: “the honeymoon is over.”
There is a very simple explanation for this, and it’s probably not what you’re thinking. The great news is — there is hope! There is a way to save your relationship with the love of your life.
With a little work and commitment, you can make that honeymoon last forever!
What Does “The Honeymoon is Over” Mean?
For most people, being in love with someone who feels the same about them is intoxicating. Two people who are in love are feeling differently than they usually do; they’re seeing the world from a very different perspective; and they’re behaving differently to the way they usually behave.
Each person is seeing the very best in the love of their life. However, after a certain period of time (which varies in length depending on the individuals) they start to see aspects of their lover they hadn’t noticed before.
They discover areas of discord and conflict. At the very least, there are slight surprises and disappointments. At worst, huge arguments and intense negative emotions. Many couples will try to work through the problems in their relationship.
They may try to argue their way through; they may try counselling; or they may simply ignore the negative emotions, bury them, and try to push through. However they try to handle it, the honeymoon is over. But there is an effective, positive way of successfully saving a loving relationship.
In order to use it, it’s useful to understand what causes the breakdown and disillusionment of a relationship in the first place.
What Causes the Honeymoon to Be Over?
During our regular, daily lives, we are running mostly on automatic. Although we may think we’re consciously making decisions and behaving the way we do, on purpose, the truth is, it’s all mostly unconscious.
According to cognitive neuroscientists, we are only acting and thinking consciously around 5% of the time. In fact, that figure is thought to be generous. More than 95% of our waking life is run on automatic and unconsciously.
If you think about it for a moment, you’ll realize that there are very few times in your day when you are consciously making every decision in the moment. Almost every activity is conducted on automatic while the conscious mind is elsewhere.
While driving, you may be pondering the past, or planning the future. While washing the dishes, you may be recalling and analyzing an event, or worrying about a situation that may or may not happen.
Even when in conversation with someone, you will seldom be completely present, focused, and in the moment. You may think you are; but if you begin to pay attention,you’ll find your mind wandering.
You may be thinking of what you’re going to say next, or you may be judging, criticizing, admiring, or remembering while that person is talking. In fact, it is not only while the other person is speaking to you that this happens; you’ll find that most of the time, even while you are talking, your mind is not fully in the moment. You are not choosing every word consciously. Now, this is not always the case, of course. It applies mostly when we are in a routine, or when we are distracted.
The Romantic Relationship
Although the same happens with other relationships as well — friends, work colleagues, bosses, and so on — we’ll look at the romantic relationship for the example.
When you are attracted to someone, you naturally and automatically become self-conscious. You become more aware of how you look, how you behave, and how you are relating to that person. Different people will experience varying degrees of this self-awareness.
For some, it may be painful — focusing on the flaws they believe are obvious to others.For others it may simply be a case of paying extra attention to their manner and etiquette; engaging more intently; and focusing on pleasing the other person. There are, naturally, many variations on this theme.
While two people are in this phase, they are being the best “them” they can be. They are consciously focused on the other person, on themselves, and on the interaction between them. They are making conscious decisions in what they say and how they say it.
And the more conscious they are in this relationship, the better they feel — which creates an even stronger bond with their loved one.
Why Does It Go Wrong?
In our daily lives — during the 95+% when we are not consciously making every decision — the subconscious is running the show. Each of those automatic choices, behaviors, expressions, responses and reactions are the result of prompts from the subconscious, based on the data it holds as “proof” or “evidence” of who we are and how the world works.
For more details on how this data is created and how it affects daily life, read:How FasterEFT Solves the REAL Cause of All Your Problems and What Determines Your Character and Personality?
While we are consciously making choices and decisions, we are overriding our automatic behavior to a certain extent. However, as time goes on, and life starts to get in the way, we have to go back onto automatic.
The way we are designed means that in order to continue functioning effectively in our lives, we need to hand over the general running of our existence to the subconscious, and free the conscious mind to deal with other issues.
Since the conscious mind is only able to process around 40 bits of information per second, while the subconscious is able to process around 40 million bits of information per second, the conscious mind is like a computer or smart phone with (very) limited processing memory or RAM (random access memory).
It can only handle and store a certain amount of data at a time. In order to process something new, you need to shut down or uninstall something else. In the case of the conscious mind, it hands over tasks that can “run in the background” to the subconscious.
Who’s Driving?
This is how you can drive for 30 minutes, thinking about what you’re going to say to your boss tomorrow, and not remember the journey. Your subconscious was doing the driving on automatic. On the other hand, your conscious mind was working on that encounter with your boss.
Now, if, while you were driving, someone cut you off, you wouldn’t need to think about and plan your response. Since your subconscious is in charge, it would refer to the data it holds (based on previous life experiences), and it would prompt your brain to trigger your body to produce chemicals.
These chemicals would result in sensations and impulses, to which the conscious mind would immediately and instantly respond automatically.
For example, let’s assume that, like most drivers, being cut off by someone speeding and driving dangerously causes a negative reaction in you. As the trigger occurs (the driver cuts you off), the subconscious (which is currently driving since your conscious mind is completely focused on the planned conversation with your boss tomorrow) refers to its data.
The records it carries regarding this kind of experience provide “evidence” that the only response to an incident like this is anger. It prompts your brain to trigger your organs to produce adrenaline, cortisol, and other fight-or-flight chemicals.
You feel a rush of anger, and your conscious mind responds — perhaps in words or gestures, or with action.
The Role of the Subconscious in Relationships
Road rage is not the only result of living life 95+% unconsciously. The same process occurs in every area of life.
Sue and David have been seeing each other for a while. They’re very much in love, and each of them is determined that the relationship is forever. Up until now, they have never had a disagreement, and have only seen the best in each other.
This morning, David was told that if he wanted to keep his job, he would need to increase his sales by 25% by the end of the month. This evening, he and Sue are going out for dinner.
They stop at a gas station on the way to the restaurant to fill up with gas. Sue asks David if he could get her a lottery ticket when he goes in to pay for the gas. David snaps at Sue that they’re going to be late, and playing the lottery is a waste of money.
Sue is shocked. She has never seen that side of David before. She may take it as a warning signal for the future of the relationship, or she may choose to brush it off… until the next time.
Related to this article: The Real Reason Anger Management Doesn’t Work
What Happened?
Up until today, just like Sue, David has been completely aware of how he’s been behaving while they’ve been together. He’s made conscious decisions about what he’s said and the way he’s said it. He would never have dreamt of criticizing Sue’s choice to buy a lottery ticket, regardless of his own views on the subject.
However, since he received the news about his job this morning, his conscious mind has been engaged in that problem — he has to find a way to increase his sales. He has to find solutions. And when his conscious mind is not processing information on that subject and trying to find solutions, it’s thinking about the injustice of the situation.
It’s replaying the conversation, or worrying about what could happen if he doesn’t manage to hit the target. And while his conscious mind is engaged in all of that, it is not filtering the responses of the subconscious — and the subconscious is driving the bus, unsupervised.
In the moment Sue asked him to get a lottery ticket for her, David’s subconscious instantly accessed the data it holds that: a) people keep holding him back and b) people who play the lottery are stupid.
The result? In that instant, his subconscious prompted his brain to trigger his organs to produce the stress chemicals of irritation and frustration. And his conscious mind interpreted those feelings to mean that Sue was delaying him, causing him to be late by expecting him to buy a lottery ticket for her — which is a stupid idea anyway.
Since he was already in a stress state, and his conscious mind was otherwise engaged, it simply reacted to the feelings automatically without even being aware of what was happening.
The Biggest Problem
This story is just a small and simple example. There are, of course, infinite possibilities and combinations. The biggest problem comes when Sue confronts David about his response, or her own subconscious programming is triggered by it, and David has no idea of what Sue is talking about.
The reason is, while his subconscious was running his reactions, and his conscious mind was otherwise occupied — in that moment — he was not conscious. This means, he didn’t witness what Sue witnessed. That subconscious program is so automatic that David is completely unaware of it.
The result is that when Sue reacts, David thinks the problem is with her. And so, asnowball effect begins. And the honeymoon is over.
Let’s look at this from Sue’s perspective. In the moment that David responded to her in a way that is, to her, completely out of character, her own subconscious kicked in. The shock of David’s unexpected response causes a fight-freeze-or-flight response inside Sue’s body and brain.
Her subconscious immediately takes over (survival instinct), and refers to its records. Sue’s subconscious data includes “evidence” that people betray her. Her subconscious immediately prompts her brain to trigger her organs toproduce the chemicals that cause a particular sensation in her body.
This specific mix of cortisol, adrenaline and other stress hormones cause a sensation that her conscious mind recognizes as betrayal. As a result, she feels hurt, and she responds to David accordingly.
Depending on her previous experiences in life and subconscious programming, this may be by becoming silent, confronting him verbally, ending the relationship, burying her feelings — or any of an endless possibility of combinations.
Related to this article: How to Get Rid of Stress Using Faster EFT
So, who is the “real” David?
The truth is, the real David is the one who was fully focused and making conscious decisions. When David reacted, on automatic, about the lottery ticket — that was a program.
It was a subconscious program, that responded on automatic. Imagine being able to replace the programs with information that is in alignment with the real you — what you really desire, and who you really are!
The Solution — How to Keep the Honeymoon Going — Permanently!
As you will have gathered from the information so far, the original cause of the problem between Sue and David (and all other couples) is not their action or decision in the moment. It is not their conscious behavior at all. In fact, it is not even the actions of the subconscious. It is the original data that the subconscious is referring to.
Change that data, and the subconscious responds differently — because it’s referring to different “proof” and “evidence”. And the result is: completely different automatic reactions and responses to each other.
At the first sign of a problem in a relationship, take a moment to notice how you know it’s a problem. Notice how you know it bothers you. It doesn’t matter whether it’s your own reaction, or something your partner has done. Just notice how you know it’s a problem. Then use the FasterEFT technique to clear and flip it.
It is helpful to think back to where you’ve experienced the same problem in the past — your earliest or most intense experience. It may not be the same topic, but the feeling will be the same.
Use FasterEFT to address and flip those memories, and you will find that your relationship improves automatically! Be sure to keep using FasterEFT — just as you would continue to weed your garden.
From Now On…
Whenever something bothers you, use the technique right then, in the moment. If you’re in public, or can’t tap physically for some other reason, useMental Tapping. Remember, anything that bothers you — whether it appears to be connected with your relationship or not — could be part of the same structure that is causing issues in your relationship. It could be affecting you — and your relationship — in ways you’re unaware of. Clear anything and everything that bothers you, using FasterEFT, and you will see your life and your relationship transform beyond your expectations!
For details on how to use the FasterEFT process, read: The FasterEFT Technique — Step-by-Step.
To see FasterEFT in action, and to hear Robert G. Smith (founder of FasterEFT) explain how the mind works, visit the FasterEFT YouTube Channel.
The FasterEFT YouTube Relationships Playlist:
Watch the videos in the playlist below for more information on using FasterEFT for relationship issues…
Article by: Robert G. Smith
Originally published at fastereft.com on August 29, 2016.
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